What Love Feels Like
by thelittlecaligrapher
Summary: I think that was the day I started to lose this battle for Brittany's heart. Because my kisses all said I love you while the words on my lips denied it. Post-Sexy, pre-Original Song.


Walking away from Brittany was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't hard because I didn't want to leave her standing there looking like a homeless puppy. It wasn't hard because I just wanted to fall into the hug I had instead snapped away from. It wasn't hard because I was crying and everyone seemed to be watching. It was hard because it was humiliating.

Turning my back and walking down the hall knowing that she's watching the whole time, knowing that she had just completely rejected me for some _stupid_ boy, knowing that she was standing there trying to do the right thing was what hurt most. It was humiliating to finally get it out there, finally tell her that _I love her_ and then have her tell me that apparently it didn't matter, that nothing would change. It was humiliating because I can't help but think that above all else, it was my fault. I forced her into his arms. I rejected her first.

And then the guilt crashes down. Just as I turn the corner and I feel the weight of her stare lift, I fall to the floor, guilt yanking me down like thick ropes attached to my heart. People pass and they all act like they can't see me, just like I had trained them to do. Brittany made me realize just what I've done to secure my status around this stupid school. She made me realize all the precautions I subconsciously put in place in case one day I had to take a leap of faith and lay it all out there for Brittany. I never imagined it'd end like this.

The guilt feels like poison in my blood, burning like some incurable venom trying desperately to finish me. It hurt like hell and all I can see is the scene back in Brittany's bedroom so long ago. The moment that changed everything. The moment that I lost.

I watch it play back in my mind, dialogue choppy and hard to remember but the meaning behind every word as clear as day, both the meaning Brittany heard and the meaning I tried to convey. And I think that was the day I started to lose this battle for Brittany's heart. Because I rejected her first, and I'm just starting to realize how much it must have hurt her, how much it must have confused her. Because my kisses all said I love you while the words on my lips denied it.

Sitting slumped against a wall in the middle of McKinley, I couldn't help but want to scream. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Is this what love's supposed to feel like?

* * *

Seeing, watching, hearing, crying.

They're everywhere, sympathetic smiles passed to me in the hallways as I wander aimlessly. I think this must be what it feels like to be Brittany, to feel completely clueless to the world around you, no matter how hard you try to pay attention and understand it. I have a new appreciation for the blonde and her perseverance.

But it's like it's all falling apart around me, my world and empire I had worked so hard to build at this school and it's falling apart. My status was slowly dropping, evident by the eyes that didn't slide right off me anymore. My heart was slowly breaking more each day, another piece dropping off with every glance at the girl who – against all odds – managed to win my heart. My hope is slowly failing, everywhere I look just another indication of how pointless everything I'd done in my life up until now had been. And on top of it all, the only person who could make me feel better in a situation like this is somehow the one who's caused it all. Or so I pretend to believe.

It's not her fault, I know. But it makes me feel a little better to blame her. Or at least it makes me feel better until I see her smile and realize that blaming her hurts so much more than blaming myself.

The whole school is slowly catching on to what happened between Brittany and me and every glance is like another blow to my stomach. All the whispers behind my back, all the stares as I pass by, all the quiet comments that _almost_ escape my ear, all of these are things I thought I was ready to handle, and I would be if I had Brittany here to make all of this worth it. But she's not here with her pinky linked in mine and even if she offered, I don't think I would have the strength to accept it. But I don't think I would have the heart to tell her no right now, either.

I'm caught between not having the strength to go on and not having the option to give up. Because the smiles I see – the ones no longer directed at me – get me through the worst of it. And maybe after getting through all of this, proving to Brittany that I was serious when I said I want to be with her, maybe then I'll be in a place that she'll have me. Maybe then she'll take me back.

"Hey, Lopez!" I hear my name called and I turn to see who's going to waste my time.

Ice cold slushie crashes against my face in a freeze I had only been able to imagine before. Purple is dripping down my cheeks and onto my clothes before I can gather myself enough to wipe it from my now burning eyes. Karofsky is standing in front of me with a smug grin on his lips by the time I finally removed enough slushie from my face to be able to see.

A shaky breath squirms past my lips as I feel the tears welling up. I furiously push them down. My mouth opens only to close again, leaving me standing there like a stupid gaping fish. The whole hallway was silent, talk having cut off since the moment the slushie slid from the cup and splattered loudly all over me.

I look over my shoulder to find Brittany by her locker staring in shock. Her jaw is practically on the floor and her eyebrows are knit together like she doesn't understand what just happened. Her eyes pang all the way into my soul when her stare meets mine and it makes me feel week at the knees. Her chest heaves like the sympathy she feels is overwhelming her, like I can tell by her eyes that it is. And with her words ringing in my ears, I turn back to Karofsky, my mind made up for me by the blonde even before I was faced with the decision.

_But honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words._

"David," I managed a steady voice that sounded level even in my own ears. With one more glance around me, eyes sliding over everyone in the hallway, I took a deep breath and turned back to the bully. "I'm sorry things didn't work out for you and Kurt." I paused for a moment, trying hard not to lose my resolve at this point. Slushie facials seriously _burn_. The color draining from Karofsky's face boosted my courage a little more. "I know how much you liked him and everything, but really, you're just not his type."

Karofsky's jaw tightened and he took a threatening step up to me. From the corner of my eye I caught Puck arriving at the scene, fists clenching as he saw Karofsky advancing on me. I swallowed a lump in my throat and held up a hand at both football players.

"No, let me finish." I looked pointedly at Puck to make sure he wasn't going to steal this moment from me while I still had the nerve to finish it. "You're a bully, Karofsky. And the funniest thing to me is that you think you have everyone in this school fooled. And maybe you did. But then you went after Kurt, and obviously he found out something you didn't want him to know. And it took me until a couple days ago, when I realized why _I_ was a bully, to realize why you are."

He took another furious step up to me and I held my ground even through all the screaming in my head that told me to run. I met his eye and stared him down, red-rimmed stare still burning from the slushie. I managed to paint a sympathetic smile on my lips before I continued.

"I feel _sorry_ for you, Karofsky. I might be a bitch and a bully, but I'm finally ready to admit that it's because I'm scared. And I'm so done being scared, because all it's done is lost me everything. So I'm saying it now, in front of everyone," I turned to meet stare after stare from every student gathered in the hallway to watch the enormous fight that was about to explode. My eyes slide smoothly over Brittany without meeting her stare, not sure I could take that punch in the gut quite yet. "Because I'm tired of losing to this fear." One last deep breath in before there would be no going back. "I love a _girl_. I'm head over heels for this crazy, beautiful blonde." I glanced over my shoulder for a single snapshot I wasn't sure I could afford. "And I'm just sorry that you don't have someone who's worth coming out for."

My eyes were still locked on dazzlingly blue ones when Karofsky's fist hit my cheek. Next thing I knew I was on the floor spitting out blood and grape slushie while Puck was beating the living shit out of Karofsky. Brittany was at my side in a flash and even though I wanted nothing more than to fall into the hug she was trying to give me, I pushed her away with the last ounce of nerve I had left.

"I love you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

This time walking away hurt for all the right reasons.

But I still had to wonder, is this really what love is supposed to feel like?

* * *

I'm so frustrated with this story and I have no idea why. I keep going back to it and trying to figure out what's bothering me about it but I just can't figure it out. Anywho, I hope that you making it all the way to this author's note means you weren't bothered by it like I was. Hope you enjoyed!

Thanks for reading.


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